#eff sleepy loopy time

[cve-th3mvsic]

i should be in bed.

meaning i should be asleep.

but nooo. /sar

i can’t fall asleep

so here’s some of my thoughts before they disappear

“it’s better to be obsessed with yourself than someone else” whoever said this is fucking right

i can’t get over how cool i look

i was looking through my photo album

seeing all the old pictures of me i took

from now all the way back to 2021

i actually have two photos of me from 2020. freaking crazy

but seeing how i looked back then actually makes me happy

like. i actually looked like a boy. the happiness it brings me to see how boy i looked. it brings me to tears (half serious)

seeing me back then, and seeing my hair. it’s like. wow.

but seriously tho. like. i looked fucking awesome and i didn’t even know it back then

my hair looked so boy. i love it. i didn’t know it back then, but i do know now.

but then again, before 2023 i felt like shit a lot. we all went through shit in 2019-2021. (2020 & 2021 suck. never wanna ever go back to that. fml dude. terrible. mostly because fucking cringe. don’t bring me back there.)

but on new year’s eve (before 2023) i told myself “this is gonna be a good year”

and guess what 2023 was?

a good fuckin’ year. /pos /gen

and it was a big improvement year for me.

a few shitty things happened (and were traumatizing) but i am so much better now than ever.

i feel confident in doing my own thing

it’s amazing

like to think about how i felt back then. i don’t even know what i felt back then when i think about it now, but it was terrible

and me now?

fucking amazing

i don’t think i give a shit about many things anymore

like i just do my own damn thing and not care about things like “do i look weird” “did someone think that was weird?”

and things like.. something as small as maybe tripping.

like tripping on my own feet (i’ve done it only a few times. but it’s still happened)

i trip, catch myself, and keep walkin. maybe laugh a little too. i’ll laugh at and with myself

and i know my laugh is pretty funny

funny in both positive and negative ways probably

but i get used to my laugh

i hear my laugh all the fucking time

sometimes i laugh at my laugh, and end up fucking cackling

but also sometimes, i hear my laugh and think “awh”, and then i think about how i feel about myself now, and i kind of wonder what if someone else felt this way about me? but like

ya know

i think i’d like to be social, but i am not social right now

i don’t have the mental capacity to even comprehend the day as it goes by.

ask me how my day was?

“uh. i dunno. lemme think-”

if there was nothing significant that happened, i respond with “it was okay”

but then when i really start to break down my thoughts and figure out what i did today, it’s like “oh. that’s more things than i thought there was”

oh and like being social

dude.

recently, i’ve had a feeling that a few different people have been givin’ me like. looks.

but not like “ew 🫤” looks or “i don’t like you.” looks. not creepy looks, ya know?

but like.

ya know when you have a crush on someone and you look at ‘em and then they look back at you for a second and that glimpse of eye contact is like “shit- 🫢 did they catch me lookin’-“

i’ve had a feeling that a few different people have

how do you explain it

like maybe they felt that way or something

ya know?

like i catch ‘em lookin’ or something

i could one hundred percent be ahead of myself or crazy for thinking that these people might have a crush on me or something

i mean, they don’t even know me, i don’t know them. how could they actually have a crush?

maybe it’s like an “i think they’re pretty” kinda look

sometimes

maybe

i dunno how to describe it

but like. okay. let’s give ‘em code names ‘cause it’s fun. (never had to give code names like this before. never even had a real crush i don’t think tbh.)

there’s DVD. or maybe let’s call them “DMV” ‘cause it’s kinda funnier

no. DVD, they’re DVD

so i have 4th hour with DVD. that’s it

only see ‘em in that class.

fuck my life dude it’s 11:58pm i’m gonna cry my balls off

i’ll finish this later

goodnight

sleep welll everyone